We had the first snow day of the year today. We got all bundled up and headed outside. Jonathan saw the neighbor shoveling her driveway, so he marched on over to give her a hand. She had an extra shovel, so he did his part. What a gorgeous day today. It just snowed and snowed all day long. It started in the middle of the night. I think we got about 8 inches or so. Jonathan wanted to learn to make a snowman. He likes to do things “the way they’re supposed to be done”; not much is left to chance or interpretation. So, I helped with shaping the body, and he did the rest on his own.

An angel makes his imprint.

Quan Yin's shroud.

So, when I learned last week that there isn’t a single blind bat, I felt betrayed. That good ol’ saying, “blind as a bat”, is likely imbedded in our genetic code. I grew up hearing that and subsequently saying it. My son hears me say it. I always felt just a tad smarter than, oh, I don’t know…a bat?…from knowing that phrase, and hence knowing that very important piece of biological truth – that bats are blind.

It’s really not a big deal that they can see. Good for them. The point is that we don’t see. I bet that if you polled 100 random Americans, make it 10,000, at least 90% of them would say that, why, yes, bats are blind. Of course, even my dog could tell you that, they’d say. Well, 20% of them would say that part. I find it fascinating how language and sayings shape our beliefs and knowledge base. What other sayings have we internalized through cellular memory of generational colloquialisms that simply are not true, do not point to any truth, and we have no idea?

Now, if you are reading this and thinking to yourself, what in the world is she talking about? Everyone knows bats can see and it’s JUST a saying! Then, by all means, do not be shy to comment. It will not be the first time that I lived my life believing all along something was true, only to find that I was barking up the wrong tree. (WHAT in the world does THAT mean?)

I am 41 years old and I am in early menopause.

One night, about 21 years ago, my boyfriend and I flopped into bed after a long night of partying. As usual, he turned the thermostat dial all the way off. At about 2 in the morning we woke up suffocating. He had accidently turned the dial all the way to high in his post-party stupor. We felt like we were being incinerated. There was a feeling of panic, tearing off the covers, then scrambling to open every window and door. I ran out onto the back patio naked and pushed myself up against the sliding glass door to feel the cool surface on as much surface area of my body as possible. (sounds sexy, I know)

Friends, this is what a hot flash feels like to me. I am having these at regular intervals now. I measure the pentameter of hot flashes like I counted the minutes between labor contractions. As the flashes get closer together, Ifeel like I should be giving birth to some revolutionary idea or ingenious creative work born of the decades of experience as a maiden, then mother, now moving toward crone. Perhaps an enlightened song will burst forth or a channelled painting or a really awesome scrapbook page!

I’ve been reading a forum thread lately about continuing to shine through early menopause. I feel so disconnected as I read about women settling into the change with wisdom and peace, letting and loving the experience; being with it. Move into the next phase with grace, acceptance, love. Well, that would be all fine and good, but I haven’t even moved through my 30′s yet! I am still trying to put myself back together after being ripped to tiny shimmering pieces by the rewarding and heart-wrenching experience of motherhood. Now all of a sudden I am experience phenomenal changes in my body, and I feel like I have to hurry up and get wise, meditate effortlessly, and wear 4 shades of purple at once. One woman joyfully reported that she takes Prozac to get through it. Humph! Now we’re talking.

This week was so full. My mom and stepdad arrived on Monday and left on Friday. It was so great to see them, although there is a bittersweet side. My son was so excited to have them here, but he just doesn’t handle interacting with multiple people at the same time very well. He does NOT want to share anyone. Instead of just joyfully interacting with whomever is around, he becomes exceedingly mean and rude to push others away, I think. So, although it was so nice to have family here, it was also really hard with our son. He is very sensitive and is an energy sponge. Whenever I am feeling frustrated, he soaks that right up and gives it right back at me. Wow.

We did have some nice adventures, including a date night for my husband and I. I took my parents to Estes Park to hang out at a really cool rock shop that sits right by a pond where one can sit and feed the ducks while sipping a latte from the cafe across the path. We spent a couple of hours there enjoying the energy of the rocks. Jonathan picked a geode, which they cut open for him to reveal the crystal caves inside.

Friday night the three of us had a late night watching Halloween videos on YouTube and Tim Burton’s Nightmare Before Christmas. On Saturday, we went to Bat Encounter at the Denver Nature and Science Museum. We had been looking forward to that for weeks. We learned about bats and got to see 4 different live bats, including the world’s largest, fox bat, with a wingspan of 6 feet! I feel so blessed to live in this area which is full of exciting learning adventures just waiting to be had!

Today was a day of being at home, cleaning, playing, and reading. We finished The Wizard of Oz, and Jonathan is really excited to go to the library tomorrow and get a new book. He wants to get The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe and more books on bats! What a joy to be able to read to him books that we all can enjoy as a family.

We came home and Jonathan got to experience the tail-end of our neighbor’s 5^th birthday party. He got to have some great play time, eat cake, and wish his friend, Carissa, happy birthday. We played outside for a while in the dark, warm night. Now he’s been in the bath for close to two hours, such a GREAT way for him to end his day. I can hear him playing, working through some of the themes he is processing and releasing pent-up energy.

I feel my husband and I shifting, deprogramming, de-schooling, and relaxing into the idea of allowing our son to just be. To let him follow his own flow, instead of deciding what he should be doing and telling him what to do. It’s definitely a process, but we are in agreement and allowing it to happen! Yay!

Ingredients in the green smoothie we brought to share:

really ripe bananas (brown spots = sweet goodness)

pineapple

pear

apple

dates

kale

spinach

water

Back at the ranch, life was a bustle with some of the final basement touches happening – carpet and countertops! Very exciting. Jonathan and his dad went on a neighborhood adventure walk. I came home and played Beyblades for a couple of hours on the front lawn, followed by a much needed family nap to prepare for our big night out to Boulder Dinner Theater.

We saw the world premiere of Slow Dance With a Hot Pickup. Fabulous show. We all loved it. We talked to the artistic director of the theater after the show, and he offered Jonathan a part in the next production, Phantom. Jonathan sort of panicked and said he wasn’t going to go on stage, then he added, “Well…maybe when I’m 7 or 8….or 20.” Dang! That was his big chance. Michael said when he’s ready to go on stage, to give him a call. Oh, I will!

Today we stayed close and just sort of hung out. We went out for a treat after the school experience, then played together with his new Beyblades for a couple of hours. Karate was excellent and then we went out for pizza slices at our favorite place. We even got dessert. By the time the evening was upon us, we were back to ourselves, Jonny struggling with allowing me space, me desperately needing it; both of us cranky. We had a snuggly bedtime story and promptly fell asleep together. I got up later to get that space that I crave and to write this.

Following my appointment, I had to rush home and prepare for our big day out. First to his play therapy, then off to park day with the local unschooling group. He was pretty intensely emotional coming out of therapy, and this sensitivity continued on throughout the whole park day. He seemed small and fragile to me today. He was obviously struggling with finding his place in this large group of children who are mostly familiar with each other, having grown up meeting for unschooling adventures weekly. He was bossy, mean, tearful, laughing, playful, stingy…the whole gamut of interactive strategies. It can be painful as the mother to simply watch these dynamics, knowing that it likely won’t turn out in my son’s favor. He’s learning, though, and growing. He has a hard time making and keeping friends. He gets mad pretty easily and also gets his feelings hurt. The therapist says he is working through his attachment issues around nurturance and deprivation. This makes sense to me on several levels. Although I was always there for him and loved him so dearly, I was also detached, distant, struggling, angry, and depressed from the time he was born and many years after that. He got a lot of mixed messages around attachment and nurturance, which confused him, especially subconsciously. Now, he tends to gravitate to children who are quite aloof and indifferent toward him, vying for their attention and acceptance. He is drawn toward the bullying type of child, girl or boy. It’s painful to watch and difficult to hold space for his outbursts and anger toward me. But we are healing too, and this will help in the long run. For now, he struggles with relationships. He is only 5, so there is time.

I sit here in the wee hours of the night baking muffins for his farewell gathering at kindergarten tomorrow morning, reflecting on our day and the beautiful ray of sunshine that is my son. He is a very special child in so many ways. I am eager to hear how his evening was with his dad. I got to go out tonight to a gaming group nearby. It turned out I knew 4 people there! It was such a great time with lots of laughter, of which one can never get enough.

We met up with the local unschooling group for the weekly nature hike. For about 3 hours Jonathan played hard with about 7 other boys ranging from 5 to 11 years of age. There was a creek running along the trail, so the boys were having the time of their lives trying to control the flow of the water. I happily observed that this is the best kind of school. If anyone questions how a child gets “socialized” being home-schooled or how they learn to work with others, all they need to do is hang out with a group of boys at the water’s edge. For hours these kids planned, strategized, engineered, cooperated, delegated, and played at building a dam, moving enormous logs, throwing sticks at floating targets, and balancing on rocks to cross the flowing creek. I am not worried one bit about my son’s socialization.

He was utterly exhausted at the end of this adventure. We were driving home and he said that he’d like to make a visit to his school to say goodbye. I asked how he felt about it and he said, “I feel happy. I’m not sad at all, but I’d like to say goodbye.” So, we’ll bring some cupcakes and have a brief farewell. I think this is a good thing. He needs to have that closure.

We snuggled together on our floor camp for a couple hours watching a funny claymation show, while I snoozed. He played outside as the sun went down, and I made a nice salad for dinner. The three of us snuggled in bed and read four chapters in the exciting and adventurous Wonderful Wizard of Oz. It’s a nice feeling to end the day on such a happy and peaceful note. No rush or worry about getting to bed on time to catch the bus in the morning. Just a lot of love and gentle pace.