My Daily Rind Journey of a Raw Mom

I’m really struggling with honoring my body right now.

It all started with that piece of pizza on my husband’s birthday last week. I had a rough 4 days of craving cooked food and giving in a few times. I got back on track and instantly felt better.

Now we’re on vacation, and I am really struggling again. Yesterday was filled with SAD food AND beer. I don’t even drink! Today I’m back on track, but truth be told, I don’t want to be. I want to eat more barbecue with my family.

Part of this journey is clearly ACCEPTANCE. I know that. I struggle with being really hard on myself when my actions don’t match the image I hold of Me.

I’m learning how hung up I really am about gaining more weight. I’m with my mom and observing her, therefore me. You know what I mean? Our parents are mirrors for us. They ARE us. Observing my mom is a great tool for learning more about me and why I have some food issues, for example. She has them too. Go figure. So, by observing without judgment, I get the opportunity to put things in a different perspective and work through my patterns from a different place. Perhaps the place of origin. By the way, this isn’t an “it’s my parents’ fault” paragraph. I don’t believe in that. But I do believe that energetically we are tethered to our family lineage and the stories that come before us in our family line.

I’ll be doing some Hellinger work on August 8th for the first time to really move through some of this family stuff. I”m not sure what my constellation will be about. I thought I was going to do one to help process and move through the grief around my father and his illnesses. But maybe I’ll work through the lineage of my food story. It’s pretty fascinating!

For those of you who don’t know what Hellinger work is, stay tuned and soon I will provide a link to an information site. I don’t have one yet. The only reason I know of it is that my good friend is a practitioner. I’ve watched her transform herself and her family dynamics. Powerful!

Blessings to you all. Thanks for stopping by and checking up on me. I’ll write more regularly once I’m home from vacation.

Love,

Shawna

…because he threw up on me 4 times today. And, you know, it just doesn’t smell that bad.

I know, I know, gross way to get your attention.

We spent my sweetie’s birthday at Lake of the Woods by the lake swimming and picknicking. It was so fun, except for the part where my son became ill with fever. But he was such a trooper, nonetheless.

I had no intention whatsoever to eat cooked food today. It didn’t even sound good to me. But I did. And I’m paying for it now, unless it’s the bug my son clearly has. My dear sweetie really wanted to go out for a birthday dinner at this fabulous gourmet pizza place in Medford called Kaleidoscope. It’s a really cool place with a Grateful Dead theme. We used to eat there before now and again, but haven’t in years. I ordered a yummy salad. Then I had just one bite of his pizza slice, which led to my very own slice. I’m pretty sensitive now and I can feel that piece of pizza like a brick in my gut. My abdomen is huge right now and hurts! Not a pretty sight.

So the big test will be tomorrow, because 100% of the time that I’ve strayed from healthy raw vegan to unhealthy cooked (as opposed to healthy cooked, because I do believe some can be healthy), I have ended up with HUGE food cravings, namely sugar, with a VERY weak ability to say NO (if any ability at all). I will definitely keep you posted tomorrow about this.

I devoured:

• small glass coconut mylk
• raw cracker piled with tomato, cucumber, avo, cashew sundried tom spread
• 1 small and 1 big slice of banana-coconut cream pie (I made it for my sweetie for his birthday celebration. His fav!)
• big green salad with a dressing that clearly had sugar in it. I should have asked for it on the side or none at all.
• 1 slice of pizza (and a bite) – please don’t ask what was on it. I think you can pretty well surmise.
• some veggie tortilla chips (not raw) with salsa and guacamole.

My dear friend and devoted raw fooder, Arnold Kaufmann, with a passion larger than Manhattan for helping people heal themselves, always said to me that “no matter what you’re eating [or doing], do it with LOVE. That vibration is all that matters, ultimately.” He would go on to say that eating a slice of pizza with pure joy, love, honor, and reverence is a whole lot better than eating a salad with feelings of guilt, shoulds, lack, and regret.

I didn’t choose tonight’s meal with those words as my justification. But when I caught myself feeling bad for what I was doing, I heard my dear friend reminding me. I shared it with my husband, and we were able to really shift the energy and totally relish the experience instead of feeling naughty and bad. Our goal is to be of healthy mind, body, and spirit, regardless of what we’re doing or eating. It’s a heart space and an attitude.

All that being said, it IS my preference to continue eating a raw diet. Yes, tonight was enjoyable, but let’s face it, my sweetie and I are both bloated, full, headachey, and tired, if you catch my drift. He’s already asleep, which is a good thing, because I don’t think I could even give a proper hug right now, I’m so ill.

Okay, I’ll “see” you tomorrow.

Nothing sounds good to me. I ate a lot of fruit, but half-heartedly. Major gas. I wonder if I’ve been eating too much raw cacao lately; hmmm…..

I have a lot of sadness in me today. I’m grieving over my father’s cancer and multiple sclerosis. My sadness is big, and I don’t have a place for it. I’m not sure where to place it in me. I am thinking about creating an actual vessel out of natural materials to symbolically hold my grief. I know many of you out there have been touched by cancer. This is by far my closest brush with it. My poor dad is weak and tired. It’s all so new, and he’s still undergoing tests to determine the extent. His brother was diagnosed with prostate and lung cancer just weeks before! Again, where does the heart store this pain and worry?

I have a dear friend who facilitates Hellinger Constellation work. It deals with clearing familial energy, in a nutshell. I am going to be having a constellation done in the beginning of August. I believe this will assist me in the process of healing my heart.

I don’t mean to be a downer, but this is real. This is me right now. I am staying present with my feelings so I don’t shove them deep into my cells and organs. I have tears threatening to spray out my eyes every moment, but I haven’t let those flood gates open. Contradictory to what I just said about shoving, but, again, it’s fresh, scary, overwhelming. My husband is a great support, but he doesn’t know what to do either.

Thanks for listening. I welcome your support.

Oh and I ate:

5 peaches
3 bananas
1 apple
handful kale chips
1/2 cup cacao-cherry ice cream (banana base)
one cacao nut ball

May your rest be peaceful tonight,
Shawna

By the way, I haven’t mentioned that my husband, John, just successfully backpacked for 4 days in the Emigrant Wilderness eating only raw foods. I’m so proud of him. It was a challenge that he embraced. Go check out his blog post about it here.

Hi darlings,

I have just loved my food today. I am literally slurping down the last of my shake with a straw. I encourage slurping!

Read on to get to the recipe for this magnificent shake. Not technically raw the way I did it, because I bought hemp mylk. Usually, however, I make my own mylk. This shake can be made with any mylk of your choice. By the way, I spell mylk with a “y” because I like the distinction from animal milk. Spell it however you want.

Here’s what I ate today for the record:

• 2 bananas and 1/3 cup dried blueberries drowned in sesame mylk (freshly made)
• small serving fruit cobbler from yesterday
• 2 bananas, 1 apple, and handful of almonds for lunch
• Big green salad with spirulina, tomato, mushroom, cuke, avocado, artichoke hearts, hemp seed, raisins, green onion and oil and lemon juice dressing
• Decadent Creamy Hemp Mylk Shake (recipe below)

Decadent Creamy Hemp Mylk Shake

In your Vitamix blender with a tamper blend:

About 4 cups of frozen bananas (I think this was about 4 whole bananas)
1 cup of frozen blackberries
About 1/2 cup of tahini
2 tsp vanilla
1/4 cup dates (or any sweetener you desire)
1 Tablespoon maca powder
1 Tablespoon chia seed
2 tsp spirulina
Now fill the canister with hemp mylk until it comes to about an inch from the top of the ingredients. Add more water now and as needed to allow for easier blending.

Pour a pint and sluurrrp it down with a straw!

Yum Yum,
Shawna

I haven’t shared about this topic yet, but it is ever-present with me.

I never had a weight problem until I was about 30 or so. Certainly, after having my son, I gained a lot of weight. Frankly, I was depressed without even knowing it, and I ate and ate and ate for pleasure. I breast fed my son until he was 2 1/2, so I had a great excuse to pack in those extra calories!

I’m only 5″3′ (and 3/4 LOL) and at the beginning of this year I found myself at 191 pounds. That’s really big. Really. I also found out that I had some significant health issues, which I won’t get into for the sake of time and space. Basically, my body had been in a state of dis-ease for a really long time. The naturopathic doctor validated me and said that my emotional and physical states were not my fault. (I fell in love THAT moment) He explained that I had some serious deficiencies, which were making my body malnourished and HUNGRY.

I was not eating raw foods at all during this period. I felt possessed by carbs and sugars, so green smoothies were just NOT in my repertoire. After 6 weeks of healing work with him, my body was ready to accept a raw food diet. I had already begun to lose some weight, and it has really sped up since eating raw in a conscious way. What I mean is that I pay attention to what I’m eating so that I am getting a wide variety of nutrients, if not daily, then most of the week. For instance, I’m not wanting green smoothies right now, so I put a heaping teaspoon of spirulina right on top of my green salad for dinner this evening. Otherwise, I eat whatever I want, whenever I want.

Remember in an earlier post when I talked about listening to my body? Well, that’s the HUGEST part for me. I truly listen to when I’m full and to what my body is telling me that it needs. It’s working for me so far.

Today I got weighed where I work out (same scale I’ve been using all along). I was pleased to see that I am 169.5. My goal is 130-ish, as long as I’m healthy. I’m exercising regularly too, which helps a lot.

Weight stabilization (whether you need to gain or lose) is a regular side effect, if you will, of eating a raw diet. Some people get concerned and notice rapid weight loss when they don’t really want that. Most of us are malnourished and our bodies will do whatever it takes to create balance and health. Sometimes big weight loss has to occur in order for the body to thoroughly detoxify before weight can be put back on and stabilized. I’m simplifying this BIG TIME, please note.

I’m trying to not have weight loss be my sole (soul) focus for staying raw because there are too many loopholes with that. I know myself. All I have to do is think I look good enough, and I will justify a pizza!

What I’ve mentioned before is my truth: I want to be the brightest light I can be in this world. I don’t want to be dimmed by processed, cooked, animal foods. I have a lot of me to share, and I want the energy to do that. AND I also really want to lose the weight, so that I can heal those sad parts of me that are stored in the story of being overweight. I’m ready to write a new book, not just a new chapter.

Love love love,
Shawna

I was stopped at one of the busiest intersections in my town, and I noticed 3 people standing in a circle together on the corner. Two were middle aged and the other was probably very early 30’s. They really stood out because they were completely still. Their stillness in the midst of the downtown bustle caught my eye and my curiosity, because usually when people are interacting, there is a lot of fidgety movements. A lot of energy is spent.

I realized that they were praying. The young man’s lips were moving and he was holding a Bible, I’m pretty sure. All of their heads were slightly bowed, eyes closed. People moved about them, not batting an eye. Maybe not even noticing. I “entered” their prayer. I visualized myself  standing in fellowship with them and receiving the loving energy of the divine. I felt a flush of energy come over me and I felt tearful, as I so often do when I am touched by spirit. I said my own prayer for the patient of mine and his wife who committed suicide over the weekend. I prayed for my father who is crippled with MS and found out he has cancer last week. I prayed for me to have strength to be present in my life with compassion and love.

Stillness. Prayer brings stillness. These people found a complete stillness on a very busy corner.

What if we were to find that prayerful stillness and BE that within our movement. Prayer in Action.

I was very moved and touched by the experience and grateful that these people had the courage to be true to their faith and follow their hearts.

I am not a religious person. I choose not to identify with any one dogma, because I believe we are all spirits having a human experience. We are here to learn, to connect with each other, to remember who we are, and to pray. Prayer focuses our energy, our attention, and manifests an unfolding for our highest good.

I pray often, wholeheartedly, and it always works.

Blessings,

Shawna

I blended about a cup of sesame seeds with about 3 cups of water. Strained the mylk then put it back in the blender to mix with a pinch of salt, capful of vanilla, and a squirt of agave. So yummy and creamy and earthy!

Poured this over a bowl of bananas and dried blueberries.

Ate side by side with my grateful son.

Best mylk in the world is made from nuts and seeds.

Do you know that we are the only species that drinks the milk from another animal? It’s time to wean ourselves. Do the research for yourself. A leading cause of osteoporosis, among other insidious conditions, is dairy! I’ll post references to this another time.

In gratitude for the abundance in my life,
Shawna

Dear friends,

I was reading my great friend, Michelle’s blog (Pure Raw Joy: see link on right of page), and I was deeply moved and humbled by her words of praise, encouragement, and support from her about me.

It got me thinking about relationships between women and our power to elevate and destroy each other. Harsh words, I know. But think about it. Women have a primal (albeit subconscious at times) need to “keep” what is theirs. There is a built-in jealousy and competitiveness between women, whether we are aware of this or not. Many of us have transcended this “nature”, but it is something to which I think we all can relate. If you’re not willing to admit to relating to it in your Own Life, then I’m sure you can recall feeling this competition from another woman.

I believe that a vital component in healing our world, our relationships, our selves is healing our relationships with other women. We are mirrors for each other. What if I were to look at you, dear woman, and see your beautiful eyes, your joyful spirit, how graceful you are, your strength in the face of adversity, and I HONORED ALL that I saw? What if I were to actually TELL YOU THAT? Wouldn’t I be sending out a Giant Vibe of Love right out into the universe? Wouldn’t I be loving you and ME at the same time. You are my mirror, right? Doesn’t love heal all things?

Women, we are powerful! We need each other. When my dear husband compliments me, I feel happy and noticed and appreciated. As a wife, I need to hear these things. But when a woman authentically compliments me, I feel blessed. I feel honored. I feel CONNECTED to the Earth and all creation in a deep way.

We come from our mothers, regardless of how that relationship unfolds in our lives. She is our beginning.

Two weeks ago, my best friend of 4 years, or so, disowned me. She didn’t explain why. She just said that she didn’t feel safe to be in a friendship with me. My beliefs led her astray from what she knows to be true and right. She would say no more. I was extremely hurt and angry. I’m okay with friendships concluding and people moving on. What hurt so much is that after all these years of confiding and what I thought was an open, loving connection, she could not give me the gift of feedback. Her words were vague and noncommital – cowardly. Doesn’t she know me well enough by now that I want to hear the truth, no matter how painful? That’s how we GROW!!! Anyway, the mystery of what is going on within her about me will remain, perhaps. The truths and mirroring that I offer in a friendship can be painful and hard for some. But, dear friends, I love you and I care about your highest good. My intentions are always from this loving place. I am releasing this friend now, trusting that she is taking care of herself for her highest good. I am no longer a part of it.

So, you see. We are connected and need eachother’s honesty, grace, love, and connection. We are the fabric of life. We are the keepers of the hearth.

Thank you my dear friend, Michelle, for honoring and blessing me with your love. I love you. All that you see in me is YOU!

Being the beauty that You ARE,
Shawna